


If I Can't Have You

by particulataste



Category: Shawn Mendes (Musician)
Genre: F/M, Fluff galore, Friends to Lovers, If I Can't Have You, Love Confessions, Mentions of Sex, Mentions of alcohol, this is the sweetest thing ever and i'm so proud of myself for writing it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-23 19:32:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18708556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/particulataste/pseuds/particulataste
Summary: Everything means nothing if he can’t have you, and he’s more than willing to keep reminding you of it.





	If I Can't Have You

**Author's Note:**

> The more I listen to the song, the more my take on it changes, so here’s a fic based on the concept I have on the song. This is also my favourite thing ever and I’m so fucking excited about this wow.

It’s late by the time everyone shows, the party in full swing. There are solo cups decorating every countertop, spilt beer and hard liquor staining shirts and the thump of the music coming from the stereo can be felt in Shawn’s bloodstream.

Brian’s in the kitchen, standing on the centre island with his shirt long gone. The redhead sings from the top of his lungs, words slightly slurred as he shamelessly eyes the blonde with far too much cleavage for a little house party.

Shawn shakes his head and turns a blind eye, taking a deep breath and moving outside onto the balcony. The air is crisp, a chill in the breeze and if it wasn’t for the copious amounts of hard liquor running through his system, he’d be running back inside for a coat.

Half of the party has migrated outside, the little fairy lights that Karen had put up a few weeks ago were doing a good job at guiding the drunken partiers through the dark, and Shawn is grateful to not see any puke splattered over the patio.

The huge banner is still hanging across the windows of his condo: ‘If I Can’t Have You’ sprawled across the pastel pink fabric in blocked letters, something that looks like it’s been made by a five-year-old, but he appreciates the effort.

Shaking his head at Brian’s creativity, Shawn takes a large gulp of his beer, biting back the grimace of the bitter taste. He always questions himself for drinking something he’s not so keen on, but later finds himself going back for another when he’s finished.

He hears the uproar of laughter coming from inside and isn’t one bit shocked to see Brian tumbling down from the island with a screech. Shawn doesn’t bother to hold back his own laughter, eyes creasing and head falling back.

He watches his guests rush inside to see the commotion, another uproar of giggles shortly following and he shakes his head, wandering to the edge of the balcony and looking over at the city.

He smiles to himself, blessed with the view but he knows the only way he’ll truly enjoy it is if he isn’t alone. And just like that, she’s in his head again, consuming his every nerve and sense and his cheeks are blushing from something more than the alcohol.

“Fuck.” He breathes to himself, trying to shake the smile off his lips but he knows it’s no use. He takes another deep breath and digs into his back pocket for his phone, checking his messages for any sign of her.

“Don’t tell me you’re spending your night reading texts from me.” He spins around at the sound of her voice, cheeks bright red and he can’t hold back the grin, watching her stand with a knowing smirk.

His eyes trail over her attire; a pretty pink dress that hugs her body the way he wishes he could. “You little fucker.” She laughs through her nose, biting her plump bottom lip and Shawn grins from ear to ear.

With a little shrug, he takes a few steps closer to her. “What can I say? I told you I’m crazy about you.” He smirks back, eyes alight and he pulls her in for a little hug, hands on her waist and she gazes up at him for a moment.

“You’re dramatic. That’s what you are.” Y/N tells him, a blush on her own cheeks from his confession, but it’s nothing new and they both know that. She stares up at him with those pretty little eyes, and Shawn swears his heart stops for a minute.

“So, what do you think of the song?” He grins, taking a step back and they both wander to the edge of the balcony. She takes a sip from the martini in her hand that Shawn didn’t notice at first, and nods her head.

“It’s a fucking bop.” She giggles out, giving him  _that_  look. His smile only grows, heart thumping in his chest and suddenly it only feels like it’s just them in the entire world.

“You’re still a fucker, though. For writing a song about me  _and_  releasing it.” She quips, eyes a playful stern and Shawn raises his brows at her.

“Who said it was about you?” He teases, her cheeks blushing bright red and she averts her gaze from his face, staring at the view before her but she can’t seem to actually register it, not when he’s breathing down her neck and holding her from behind.

“I’m being serious, though. I meant what I said. I  _do_  like you and I know you like me too, you’re just putting it off.” He whispers in her ear, voice a delicious rasp and she has to press her thighs together to compose herself.

“And you tell me to move on and get over you, but baby, I  _can’t_. You consume me in the best way and everything means nothing if I can’t have you.” He sing-songs in her ear, a little grin gracing her pink lips and he slowly takes a step back.

She spins to see him grinning at her, eyes glimmering in the moonlight and his skin a soft tan from the orange hues of the fairy lights decorating the windows.

_“I can’t write one song that’s not about you.”_

And just like that, he’s singing to his own song, wandering toward her with a massive grin, like she puts the stars in his sky.

She squeals with a blush, hiding behind her hands and Shawn pulls her hands away, holding them in his and singing to her like his life depends on it. He’s smiling like a fool, a giggle on her lips and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

The partiers rush to the balcony, eager to celebrate with the singer and before long, everyone is jumping on the balcony, screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs.

Y/N is across the balcony from Shawn, dancing with a few random girls and singing at the top of her lungs with the biggest grin she’s had in a long time. And it isn’t until she does a little spin that she notices Shawn staring at her from across the mass of people, a grin on his lips as he sings those words and points right to her.

She’s blushing profusely, shaking her head but her smile never fades, just gets bigger and she knows she fucked, completely.

It was only flirtatious banter, to begin with, subtle winks and flirty teasing at any given opportunity. But then it turned into something more—longing stares and gentle strokes of hands when passing by.

The first time he told her how he felt, she thought he was kidding, that it was his old flirty self showing through and teasing her, but she was  _so_ wrong.

She always turned him down, and she never really had a reason as to why. She’d shrug him off as teasing, that he didn’t really feel that way, that he just liked the fun they had.

But then he goes and writes a song about her and releases it to the world, and suddenly she’s not so sure it’s a joke anymore and she can’t understand why she ever turned him down in the first place.

She consumed him in the best way possible. Whether on stage while touring the world, or looking at the Toronto view from his condo, she was always on his mind. Her smile permanently in his brain.

She doesn’t know it, and neither does he, but she brings out the best of him. She’s the voice in his head when he feels low, telling him how incredible he is and that he can do  _anything_.

But everything means nothing if he can’t have her. He wants to share his world with her, tour the world with her side stage. Go to the gym with her cheering him on. Wake up and fall asleep with her by his side.

She tells him to move on, to look for someone that isn’t her, and he knows it’s because she’s unsure, that she doesn’t know if he’s genuine, but he is, more than anything.

He often wonders to himself how he’s supposed to move on when they are the way they are; the teasing, the flirting, the texts at three in the morning when neither of them can sleep.

She’s all he thinks about and maybe it’s all happening at the wrong time and that’s why she turns him down. That’s something he thinks about in the dead of night when he can’t get her off his mind.

But with him standing across from her, pouring his heart out into a complete and utter bop, she swears she’s been a fool this entire time, that he’s  _more_ than a little dramatic, but she wouldn’t have him any other way.

* * *

 

The party draws to a close by three in the morning and as Shawn bids the last of the guests goodbye, Y/N stands from the couch with a small smile, eyes shy and a blush on her cheeks.

Shawn grins at her cheekily, grabbing the trash bag from the island and throwing emptied solo cups into it, like he’s not completely fucked at the way she’s looking at him; hair all messed up and lips slightly swollen.

“Did you enjoy your party?” She breaks the silence, grabbing another trash bag for herself and clearing the cups from the lounge, tidying the couch cushions and Shawn bites back a grin.

He shrugs. “It was okay. Happy everyone’s liking the new song.” He hints on, wants to talk about it now they’re finally alone.

She purses her lips and nods her head, having a mentally heated discussion with herself about whether or not she should tell him, but then she remembers he’s told the whole fucking world how he feels, the least she can do is tell  _him_.

“You know... you’re not the only one.” She begins, heart thumping in her chest and she’s so scared he’s about to tell her it was all a joke and the song isn’t really about her.

“Oh?” He asks, brow quirked and he wonders what she’s about to say. He’s not the only one? She’s silent for a moment before she puts the trash bag down and takes a deep breath.

“I can’t shower without thinking about you. I can’t go to the store without wishing you were with me. I can’t sleep at night without imagining you holding me.” She admits out loud, and Shawn’s certain the air has been torn from his lungs.

He splutters for a second, eyes blinking rapidly and he waits for a moment, wants to hear the rest of her confession but he doesn’t think he’s actually prepared for it.

“And it’s the best fucking feeling, ‘cause I feel so consumed by you that I can’t help but smile whenever I see something that reminds me of you.” She continues, back still facing him and she stares at the CN Tower like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

“And your song — the beat and the tempo, and everything, it... it’s  _exactly_  how I  _feel_. My heart races as fast and as choppy as the lyrics. My stomach dances to the beat of the drums and I’m so lost in you and wanting you, that everything  _does_  mean nothing compared to what it would if I had you.”

And she’s laughing. Laughing at herself and how silly she sounds for literally quoting his lyrics, but it’s the truth. He put her feelings into words and everything makes sense to her now.

“And it’s funny because when I think of you, I just want to smile and I’m the happiest ever. I’m so into you that I wanna dance around my apartment half naked and scream it at the top of my lungs because it’s so incredible and exciting to be falling in love with you.”

He’s panting, eyes wide as he stands behind her and it’s like he can’t breathe still. He never expected a confession like this, and if he’s honest, it’s terrifying. She’s falling in love with him and he had no idea it went that deep.

But he  _gets it_. He gets the overwhelming feelings of happiness she’s describing, that she just wants to dance and scream in complete and utter adoration. It’s something he made very clear when writing the song.

_It needs to be upbeat, it needs to be happy, exciting._

Because it’s so fucking exciting to fall in love with her, even if she never realised it. It’s the thought of her that makes him want to go and live his best life, sing at the top of his lungs.

Because it’s not a sad feeling to be so consumed by her. It’s not something that makes him want to cry or lock himself away from people. It’s a feeling that makes him want to conquer the world, it’s a feeling so playful he feels like he’s on cloud nine.

“You know... you’re not the only one that’s falling in love.” He breathes from behind her and she stills, eyes wide and she’s breathless. She doesn’t want to turn around, she’s not sure she can face him and he knows that.

So, he gently plays with her fingers, intertwining them and his thumb gently brushes over the side of her hand as he takes a step closer to her, chest almost touching her back and they can see each other through the reflection of the window.

He’s much taller than her and if he just leans a little more forward, his chin would rest on her pretty little head. She’s tiny, the sweetest thing he’s ever known and he just wants to love her. Wants her to let him.

“I’m scared.” She breathes out, the rawest of emotions showing and Shawn feels so fucking honoured that she’s letting him see her like this.

He nods his head, though. She doesn’t have to say anything else for him to know what she means. She’s had her fair share of bad relationships and shitty guys. She doesn’t want to be hurt again, and she doesn’t want to lose him if things don’t work.

“I know, I’m scared too.” He admits.

She takes a deep breath and musters up all the courage she can. She spins in his hold, hands resting on his toned chest and she stares at it for a moment before looking up at him.

He’s already looking down at her with parted lips and slightly glossy eyes. She wonders if he’ll remember this in the morning and doubt is quick to wash over her in uncontrollable waves.

“Hey.” Shawn starts when she tries to look away. His index finger pressed below her chin and forces her to look back at him. “No, don’t do that.” He tells her, begs her, almost, and she sighs.

He knows she’s in her head, and not in a good way. He knows she’s doubting herself and worthiness, and he won’t stand for it. So he cups her dusted cheeks in his hands and gently bumps his nose against hers.

“I want you, okay? All of you and all the strings that come with it.” He tells her, breath fanning across her lips and she stares up at his golden eyes and nods her head, eyes fluttering a little and she prays to God it doesn’t crash and burn.

“Okay.” She breathes, nodding her head again like she’s trying to get out of her head and do something for herself for once. Like she’s reminding herself it’s okay to be selfish and go for what she wants.

“I want you, too. All of you.” She repeats, a slight smile gracing her lips and Shawn let’s out a sigh of relief, a little giggle following and he nods his head, trying to compose himself but it’s no use.

He’s a giddy mess, unable to contain his excitement as his eyes light up with fireworks. “Yeah?” He asks, voice an octave or two higher than usual and he’s fucking beaming down at her.

She giggles and nods her head frantically, and anyone looking from the outside would think they’ve just got engaged.

“Yeah.” She repeats, doubts long forgotten as he picks her up in his arms like she’s weightless, spinning her a little and she wraps her legs and arms around him, squealing in happiness and excitement.

He stills quickly, though, smile dropping and he stares at her for a moment. “Can I kiss you?” He asks breathlessly and she can’t help the blush on her cheeks.

She doesn’t answer him. Instead, she cups his pink cheeks in her little hands and kisses his plump lips with all her might, melting completely into him and it’s like she’s where she’s been supposed to be her entire life.

“Does this mean you’re my girlfriend now?” He asks into the kiss, a giggle sounding from her chest and she pulls away for a moment, taking a breather as her forehead rests against his.

“Don’t push it.” She grins, her thumb softly tracing the scar on his cheek and his eyes flutter closed for a moment, so fucking lost in her that he can’t think straight.

“Definitely exclusive, though.” She adds with a chuckle, Shawn opening his eyes to nod his head frantically, peppering sweet kisses on her pretty face and she giggles at the affection.

Shawn pulls away after a little while, eyes so full of love and he’s still holding her as he stands in the middle of his living room. “Stay the night?” He asks hopefully, noticing the way her lips part and he shakes his head.

“Nothing like that, no funny business, I promise. Just—just stay the night with me, please? Just wanna hold you.” He mutters, won’t take his eyes away from hers and she can’t hold back the tears that begin to well in her eyes.

She nods her head and kisses his lips again, whispering an ‘Okay’ against them and he holds her close before setting her on her feet. She thinks he’s about to pull away, but he ducks until his shoulder is lining with her stomach and she’s hauled over his shoulder with a scream.

He grins and pats her bum, laughing as she hums at the sight of his when he walks them both to his bedroom. He gently throws her on the bed and she looks so fucking good sprawled out for him like that, her little pink dress riding up her thighs.

She stares up at him, bottom lip caught between her teeth and she watches him brush a hand through his curls, the way his tight shirt seems so much tighter than before and suddenly, with the way he’s looking at her, she has a rush of confidence.

Y/N teasingly trails her bare foot up his jean-clad thigh, silently whimpering at the feeling of his muscles beneath her foot. She trails it up to his crotch, lip still caught between her teeth and she stares up at him.

Shawn raises his brows playfully, eager to know where she’s going with this and he can’t help that familiar rush of excitement flood through him.

“You know,” she starts, a cheeky smirk on her lips. “I don’t think I’d mind if there  _was_  some funny business.” And just like that, he’s kissing up her body and thanking the Gods above because finally, he has her, and she has him.


End file.
